I wrote this post a couple months ago, and I just wasn’t ready to share it then – but I wanted to share it now. Hopefully someone out there finds it helpful.
I’m just going to say it.
The last couple of months I have not been where I need to be as far as my relationship with Jesus goes.
Part of it is due to busyness, part of it is due to just me being lazy. But there has been long gaps between prayers, hurried Bible readings at night . . . and I could feel it. I could feel that it was missing. And I knew what it was. But still I let the time pass on by.
Then a couple weeks ago I had one of those frustrating days – a day full of disappointment, and difficulty, and situations in my life not working out right.
These weren’t just little things (though I suppose they are little in the grand scheme of things) – they were important things to me. All the little stresses culminated into these bigger stresses, all on the same day. It got to the point where I was a little upset with the Lord for “putting me through all that” at once.
Then as I broke down and cried to my mom over the phone that night, she once again gave me a little nugget of wisdom when I needed to hear it (what would I do without my mom?). She set me straight on something that I had forgotten. She reminded me that it’s not God “putting me through” those things. Rather, sometimes He allows those things to happen so that we will turn to Him.
Turn to Him like I had not been doing for a couple months.
When will I learn that I just shouldn’t try to do things by myself?
I’m ashamed to say it still took me a couple weeks to get myself off of my spiritual “couch”. I think it was because I was almost embarrassed, and ashamed of myself for letting myself get upset at God over my difficulties. Because that’s just not me. I’m usually a little more level-headed than that.
That’s what happens when I let things go so long. I get out of practice, and all of a sudden one rough day is enough to make me waver in my trust.
But that should never happen. Because even when things aren’t going my way, even when rough days (or weeks, or months) strike and bad things happen, God is always good. And He always has my good in mind. And He always deserves my trust.
I’ve never stopped believing that. I know it too deeply, I have too many personal experiences of His faithfulness for me to ever truly doubt that.
But it’s easy to not feel it sometimes. It’s easy to let my heart forget. The heart is deceitful above all else, and mine is no exception.
Which is why it’s so important to guard my heart – against the world and what it says is important , against circumstances, because circumstances are fickle, against even my own plans.
I need to keep my heart focused on Him. And that only comes from spending actual time with Him, and putting energy into my relationship with God.
When I try to handle everything myself and let my relationship with Jesus fall to the wayside, it’s easy for my heart to be discouraged, because I’m placing my hope in the wrong things. When my heart is fully focused on His goodness, and fully relying on His power to get me through, nothing in this life can take away that joy.
Not dashed hopes or ruined plans. And definitely not bad days.