An Emotional Breakdown Moment

I'm feeling rather discouraged today. I'm not sure why, but I had a breakdown this evening, and I feel totally out of control.

This isn't exactly how I wanted to share the news. In fact I didn't even really want to share our news until we knw a little bit more. But a couple months ago Derek decided to apply for the state patrol.

Derek actualy has his degree in finance. But with our unemployment experience last year we found out a couple things. First, good finance jobs are almost not to be had right now. Derek is very qualified for alot of finance positions, but there's not many to choose from with the economy the way it is, and there are so many finance people applying for the jobs that it significantly affects the chances that the people in charge of hiring will actually see his resume.

Second, Derek has decided that he really doesn't want to sit behind a desk the rest of his life. I always knew this about him - he's a very active guy, and the desk job really was never a good fit for him. I actually suggested that he think about the state patrol last summer, before we even had to deal with the no job thing. It wasn't the right time for him to apply - the wedding was in a couple of weeks, and though he started to fill out the application, he had so much to get done and he just didn't really want to do it then.

Several months and another desk job later, Derek decided to try the state patrol again. Now is a much better time for him to apply, and this time I didn't even say a word - he just brought it up one day, got the application and started filling it out, which I thought was great, because this time he actually wants this, and it came to him without anyone mentioning it. I feel like maybe the fact that he thought of it himself this time was maybe a sign that this is what the Lord has planned for us - I feel like the Lord brought it to his mind at just the right time for him to get his application in.

I was even starting to see a possible purpose in the whole job change situation, which I have been hard pressed to find until now. On top of all that, both Derek and I have been feeling a real peace about the whole state patrol thing - I wasn't even that worried about Derek getting in, which is amazing, because I tend to stress.

Well, now I'm starting to get discouraged. Derek keeps hearing all this negative news. Like that there's three thousand applicants for the January class (the one Derek is trying to get into). Three thousand! Yikes! But even that bit of news wasn't too problematic to my mind. If the Lord wants him in the state patrol, he'll get in, right? That's what I thought.

But then he comes home today saying that one of the policeman from our little town told him that he applied for the state patrol and would have been doing that academy this summer, but they cancelled the summer academy, so now he'll probably do the January class. What! No! This means the January class could already be partially filled! I'm totally conflicted now, and I kind of fell apart. If the class is already filled with some of the summer applicants, and there's three thousand applicants to compete with, how is this going to happen for us? I don't know why, but my confident trust in the Lord and His plan for us just crumbled at that moment.

What's wrong with me? Other bits of news like that didn't bug me, but tonight was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm ashamed of myself for losing it like that. But this whole thing is really important to me (maybe too important). Why? Because I guess I started to feel like this was it - this was the last chance for a job that will allow me to not work when we have kids. If this doesn't work out, I really don't know where we can go from there.

I want to be a stay at home mom more than anything. I like my dental hygiene work alright, but honestly, I don't want to do it indefinitely. It's bad for your body, really, if you do it long term, and if I have to work the rest of my life I'd like to go back to school and get my Bachelor's and maybe my Master's to give me a little more room for growth or options for variety - so I could maybe teach dental hygiene or get involved with dental hygiene research, or something like that. But if we can't afford for me to stay at home with the kids, I think my schedule will be way too busy trying to raise the kids and work at the same time. I won't have time to expand my career options.

Even as I write this I find myself coming back to my senses. It's not the last chance - the Lord can give Derek a job wherever He want shim to work. I honestly think being a stay at home mom is a godly desire, a worthy goal. And I honestly don't see why the Lord would tell me no and not give me the desire of my heart in this. However, I know He could tell me no, and if He does, I know it will be all in His plan for us - I guess that's where I have to trust more. Part of me wants to say that the Lord must be planning on giving me what I want on this, because why wouldn't He when I just want to be there to raise my kids in a godly way? But I can't put the Lord in a box - His ways are higher, and smarter, and His purpose is always better for me in the long run. Even if I never know what it is.

Anyway, the reason I put you all through this is just because I know you ladies must have had similar experiences of doubting moments, and I know you'll be empathetic and encouraging. And I also tell you our situation because I would be very thankful for your prayers - that the Lord would allow Derek to get into the state patrol if it's His plan. It really would be a great thing, and Derek's very excited about the possibility - it would be hard to watch him go back to another desk job when he wants this so much, even if it was a good-paying desk job. I hope it works out, and I'm trusting; I'm trusting. The Lord always does what's best.
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katie said...

Bless your heart! We all lose it sometimes, emotionally and we all have our doubts spiritually. The Lord has a plan for you and your husband. And it is likely better than anything you can imagine for yourself. I know it is sometimes hard to rest in that, and to not want to control situations, but He will take care of you, even more than He cares for the sparrows.

Brittney Galloway said...

Don't be discouraged! I know that sometimes it feels like nothing is going right, even when you think you are right in God's path, but sometimes I think we are tested with time and trials before the real reward and blessing is given!

Kara @ Just1Step said...

Hey girl,
I'm so sorry you're worried about so many things right now. I have emotional breakdowns, too...I think it's pretty normal. :)

Along the lines of Derek's are very right that he will get in IF it is God's will. But that's a big if. Yes, in the minds of you and Derek it may make the most sense. But that doesn't mean it makes sense in the long run from God's perspective. If Derek does not get in, you never know what God may be protecting your from or preparing you for.

And remember this verse: "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

Along the lines of you staying home with your children down the road...yes, I agree, it is a godly ambition. But again, you don't know what will be best for your kids the way God does. For some reason completely unimaginable to you, it may be better for you or your kids that you have to work. You will just have to wait and see and trust that whatever path God chooses for you, that's where he wants you.

I'm doing a really good study on God's will right now. You should check it out:

Unknown said...

Whatever will be; will be. I am so sorry to hear the chances are restricted. When I applied for my nursing there were 2000 applicants for 200 positions. I just had to sit it out and then I got the acceptance letter!

It can be done :) xo.

Katie Spinks said...

dear friend - wow your story sounds so much like mine its crazy. My husband went and graduated school with police foundations and his desire has always been to be a police officer but in Canada it is next to impossible if your a white male under 25 which he is.... we have spent lots of money applying to different forces and have had one door open and then it was shut.... it is extremely frustrated ... we have been doing alot of praying lately as I have too felt discouraged as we want to have a family and the whole not getting pregnant thing and now my husbands job is taking him out of town alot so he started applying for jobs and we were ready to move and he heard nothing back so he started applying else where we found a house we love and then yesterday he gets a call from a job in the place we first were looking to move it was exciting but frustrated... we are screaming along with you "God what do you want us to do" ...waiting is frustrating and plain old sucks but God is a God of waiting and of big and great plans!! hang in there!!

Jessica said...

Aww, I'm sorry you're going through this. But remember, God is in control, and this will work out if it's His plan.

I think it's awesome that you want to be a stay-at-home mom someday. I do too! I am such a wimp, though, because I am trying to get up the courage to talk to Luke about it. I always thought my dream was to be a teacher, but that has changed.

Anyway, through blogging I have found SO many other people who have the same dream, and I just think it is awesome to be able to relate to people like that! So I kind of know what you're going through a little bit. Hang in there, it will all work out in the end :-)

Sorry I basically just wrote a novel :-P

Jenene said...

I completely understand your discouragement. My first thought was that, for me, a good night's sleep always helps. I know that on days I'm freaking out about stuff, that the next day it won't feel so bad.

And the other thought you already talked about: trusting God, and remembering that He has a plan, and that it's a good one.

Art and I have come through some pretty tough months, and now all of sudden it seems like opportunities are popping up everywhere, and it looks like all the right doors are opening for him.

God IS working this out. And in a little while, you'll wonder why ever worried. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this time. But you are right in knowing that God's timing is perfect. I think somtimes these things happen so that we can realize where we are putting our faith to make sure it is in the right place. This is a lesson God taught me well about this time last year!

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