The Art Of Wounding Faithfully

 "I disagree."

I took a deep breath at these words that have never failed to increase my heart rate, whether I'm hearing or saying them.  What followed was the first real friendship conflict in my adult life, with a person I cared very much about.  She tried to convince me of her point, and I tried to convince her of mine.  Later on the phone, we were at an impasse.  And I took another deep breath and said "You know, it's okay if we disagree.  We don't have to agree on everything to be friends."

It's a lesson that has been reinforced over the many years since then, and I've had more and more friends who have shown me how to disagree well.  Dennis Prager also taught me something about disagreements between friends with his refrain about the goal of discussions, which he says should be clarity, not agreement (example).

Certainly there are times when a correction may be required between brothers and sisters in Christ on issues that can be obviously cleared up by the word of God, the Bible, as the standard to which believers should conform their minds and lives.  But in general, I think "clarity over agreement" is a rule to live by when dealing with more nuanced disagreements.  When I keep that principle in mind, it is much easier to be gentle and thoughtful in my responses, to speak the truth according to how I understand it in God's word with love.  It also allows me to be more open to hearing out someone else's perspective, while clarifying my own thought processes on the subject.

As I think about the topic of disagreements, I'm also reminded of the Bible verse which says "faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs 27:6).  I don't think this verse is saying that every wound by someone you think is a friend will be faithful - indeed we are fallen human beings, and we too often approach disagreements with pride and self-righteousness.  But I think what this verse is saying, to both the person being confronted and the one doing the confronting, is to approach these discussions with the goal of wounding faithfully.  

That means avoiding sarcastic jabs.  That means seeking the good of your friend when you confront them, not seeking to be right.  And that means that just because a friend may say "I disagree", it doesn't mean they are intending to hurt you.  Indeed, if your friend is a true friend, the momentary pain brought by their challenge is likely meant as a faithful wound, for your good.  And approaching confrontation from the perspective of striving to be faithful, and giving a friend that benefit of a doubt that this is their intention, can ultimately sharpen both of you.  If it's handled rightly.  

That's the trick, isn't it.  Handling disagreement rightly.  So difficult to do, but worthy of the effort of practicing at getting it right.

Stop.

This post is a participation in Five Minute Friday, which I would like to start practicing more regularly!  I almost didn't write it, because disagreement - who wants to write about that?  But I guess the point is to challenge and stretch myself a little, so I'm aiming to be back next week with another installment, even if it's another topic I don't want to write about.