3 hours ago
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
A Quote
“As for the notion of some lost golden age, it is truly very hard for any competent historian to be nostalgic. What past times were better than the present? An era before antibiotics when childbirth or even minor cuts might lead to septicemia and death? The great days of the 19th century when the church was culturally powerful and marriage was between one man and one woman for life, but little children worked in factories and swept chimneys? Perhaps the Great Depression? The Second World War? The era of Vietnam? Every age has had its darkness and its dangers. The task of the Christian is not to whine about the moment in which he or she lives but to understand its problems and respond appropriately to them.”
-Carl Trueman, The Rise And Triumph Of The Modern Self
A Book
The book I'm working on right this moment is called Call Me American by Abdi Nor Iftin. It's an immigrant story, about a man that came from Somalia. I'm only a little bit into it, but I just feel like it's going to be good. I love reading immigrant stories from people who have escaped difficult circumstances in their homeland - so many of them have an appreciation for the blessings of freedom in America that a lot of Americans-by-birth take for granted. I think this is going to be one of those uplifting immigrant stories, and I'm here for it.
A Bit Of Sparklers
Excuse me for sharing sparkler pictures instead of nature this week - we had way too much fun last weekend with our ridiculous stash of sparklers! We had probably 20-30 boxes of sparklers that we had somehow gathered over the years, and we used most of them in one night when my family came to visit on the 4th.
A Recommendation
This section is going to be a little long!
I've got an interesting recommendation today, and it's from a podcast I listen to occasionally called "Sheologians". In the latest episode they were discussing gossip, and as I feel there is a definite dearth of Christian resources on gossip, I clicked on it. The actual discussion starts around 20 minutes, but basically what they are doing is taking the Westminter Larger Catechism question surrounding the 9th commandment to help explain what qualifies as gossip or "bearing false witness" against someone. It's a lot more than you might think! I was so convicted by so many of their points. If you want to get the gist, you can read the relevant Larger Catechism passage here (Questions 144 and 145). How many of us think about gossip like this? How many of us recognize the sin of lying in the way we are thinking about others? My mind was kind of blown to be honest.
On a related note, their episode from a while back on forgiveness also gave me a ton to think about. They discuss that "therapeutic forgiveness"(the idea that forgiveness is for myself, not the other person), is actually not the biblical model of forgiveness. They argue that forgiveness in scripture is a transactional thing - a person is repentant toward the person they wronged, and the other person then gives them forgiveness, and it's followed by reconciliation. I take a little bit of issue with the way they expressed certain things, but they explained their points more fully later in the episode, so listen to the whole thing. I love the distinction that forgiveness isn't just some internal feeling, it's an external process that happens between two people that ultimately results in reconciliation in some way. I think we've lost that idea by making forgiveness only something that happens within someone's heart.
Like I said, I'm still mulling it over, but if you want some spiritual meat to chew on, give these episodes a try.
A Moment Of Happiness
A met up with a friend last night that I haven't seen in over a year - for no other reason than that we are both very busy moms of big families, and we were just slacking. What I love about this friend is how there is no awkwardness over the fact that we haven't seen each other in so long - I just send a text saying, "hey, let's get dinner together", she says "I'd love that!", and we make it happen. It's rare to find those friends that you can connect with easily even when it's been a long time between visits, and it was so refreshing to catch up with her over ridiculously large bowls of pasta.
How is everyone's week going? Are you getting back into swing of things after the long weekend?
"I disagree."
I took a deep breath at these words that have never failed to increase my heart rate, whether I'm hearing or saying them. What followed was the first real friendship conflict in my adult life, with a person I cared very much about. She tried to convince me of her point, and I tried to convince her of mine. Later on the phone, we were at an impasse. And I took another deep breath and said "You know, it's okay if we disagree. We don't have to agree on everything to be friends."
It's a lesson that has been reinforced over the many years since then, and I've had more and more friends who have shown me how to disagree well. Dennis Prager also taught me something about disagreements between friends with his refrain about the goal of discussions, which he says should be clarity, not agreement (example).
Certainly there are times when a correction may be required between brothers and sisters in Christ on issues that can be obviously cleared up by the word of God, the Bible, as the standard to which believers should conform their minds and lives. But in general, I think "clarity over agreement" is a rule to live by when dealing with more nuanced disagreements. When I keep that principle in mind, it is much easier to be gentle and thoughtful in my responses, to speak the truth according to how I understand it in God's word with love. It also allows me to be more open to hearing out someone else's perspective, while clarifying my own thought processes on the subject.
As I think about the topic of disagreements, I'm also reminded of the Bible verse which says "faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs 27:6). I don't think this verse is saying that every wound by someone you think is a friend will be faithful - indeed we are fallen human beings, and we too often approach disagreements with pride and self-righteousness. But I think what this verse is saying, to both the person being confronted and the one doing the confronting, is to approach these discussions with the goal of wounding faithfully.
That means avoiding sarcastic jabs. That means seeking the good of your friend when you confront them, not seeking to be right. And that means that just because a friend may say "I disagree", it doesn't mean they are intending to hurt you. Indeed, if your friend is a true friend, the momentary pain brought by their challenge is likely meant as a faithful wound, for your good. And approaching confrontation from the perspective of striving to be faithful, and giving a friend that benefit of a doubt that this is their intention, can ultimately sharpen both of you. If it's handled rightly.
That's the trick, isn't it. Handling disagreement rightly. So difficult to do, but worthy of the effort of practicing at getting it right.
Stop.
This post is a participation in Five Minute Friday, which I would like to start practicing more regularly! I almost didn't write it, because disagreement - who wants to write about that? But I guess the point is to challenge and stretch myself a little, so I'm aiming to be back next week with another installment, even if it's another topic I don't want to write about.
It's been two weeks since I cut my number of Facebook friends in half.
In November I decided to take a social media break (I wrote a little about why here), but through the entire year of 2019, I've been slowly starting to question the role that social media has been playing in my life. I knew I was on social media way too much, using it as a distraction from the boring moments in my day. The last straw was when I started to find myself holding my phone, scrolling through Instagram, without consciously making the decision to pick it up.
So right before Thanksgiving I got off Facebook and Instagram, which I've never done before. During my break, I read several really helpful books, and took a good hard look at Facebook and Instagram to figure out what role I really wanted them to be playing in my life. Maybe I'll discuss Instagram another day. I'm still figuring that one out, since like it or not, Instagram is kind of the place for bloggers to be. But today I thought I'd share one thing I figured out about Facebook over my social media break, and it's this:
Facebook keeps people from fading from your life.
If you had mentioned this to me a few years ago, I would have viewed that as a good thing. Now, I'm not so sure. I have started to consider that maybe some people are meant to fade from your life, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing.
There are people who aren't really friends, just acquaintances that passed through your life for a time. There are friends that you used to have alot in common with, but over the years you've drifted apart. There are people that you were hoping to develop a friendship with, but years have passed and nothing has ever come of it.
I've always had a hard time letting people go, and I do still think there is value in being a tenacious friend, in making the effort to keep in touch with people who mean something to you. But it's a tricky thing to balance when social media now gives you the ability to superficially keep in touch with your cousin's-husband's-sister who you met once five years ago. Or that one person you hung out with at camp, but really don't know at all. Or someone you used to work with, but who you haven't seen in five years.
Fifty years ago, you would have gradually lost touch with these people, no harm, no foul. I used to think that was sad, but now I wonder whether it was a blessing in disguise. These days, the social norm is for these relationships to linger indefinitely on Facebook, because no one wants to hurt the other's feelings by "unfriending" them. If you dare to unfriend someone, you have to be prepared for the possibility of a conversation when you eventually run into them...or drama behind your back.
It must have been simpler back in the day when people were just allowed to drift apart.
One day I woke up and realized that a majority of my friends list on Facebook were these kinds of relationships. People I don't really know anymore, or never really knew at all, had all this information about everything that was going on in my life, and I had information about what was going on in their life too. But without ever putting in the effort to be an actual real-life friend to each other.
Not everyone should have unlimited access to your life.
And some people are meant to be in your life only for a season.
As I contemplate all of this, I also fully resonated with this article about how we make unfriending too much of a "thing". I actually think we have made Facebook interactions in general too much of a "thing". The article mentions that we have started "validating our real life friendships by our online friendships", as if we aren't really friends with someone unless we are also Facebook friends with them. I especially liked the question the author asks:
"When we feel like we need to add someone as a friend or maintain their access on Facebook in order to substantiate our interactions in reality, haven’t we reversed the natural process?"
And yes, I think we have.
Personally, Facebook's most valuable functions in my life have always been as a convenient platform to share multiple photos with my grandparents and aunts and uncles (and other people who care about my children and don't get to see them often), and as a tool to facilitate real-world, face-to-face interactions with people.
So during my Facebook break, I really started thinking about how to make sure that Facebook was serving those specific functions in my life, and drawing the line there. To a certain extent, I had allowed social media to fill other functions in my life without my conscious permission. I don't want Facebook to be a boredom buster, a friendship barometer, a self esteem-booster (or conversely, destroyer), a platform for all my thoughts (that's what this blog is for), a tool for life-comparison, an acquaintance-spying tool, or a cheap substitute for meaningful friendships (more on this coming in another post I think).
I want Facebook to be just what I said - a photo-sharing tool between close friends and family, and a facilitator for setting up my face-to-face interactions. That's all.
In order to fit Facebook into the box I had decided on, I realized that I was going to have to unfriend some people. That's a hard decision to make, because for a lot of people, unfriending is taken as a personal insult. I was afraid that some people, people I still like and wish the very best for, would take it that way. I know some people probably did take it that way, but I posted this before I started purging, in an effort to explain:
"Hi Guys! I wanted to let you all know that in the next few days I'll be whittling down my friends list. Since taking my Facebook break, I've realized that some people struggle with social media more than others, and I am one of those people. I knew when I came back to Facebook I was going to have to make some changes, and this is one of them.If I disappear from your friend list in the next couple days, I hope with all my heart that you will know that it is nothing against you at all! This is more about my own personal social media mental health (how's that for a made-up term?), in an effort to maintain a proper balance in my digital life. If you ever want to connect or get together with me, I would absolutely welcome interaction outside of Facebook, through a text, phone call, email, snail mail, etc! I'm thankful for all of you, and what you've added to my life over the years! I hope we can connect in the future outside a screen. <3"
And then I took the advice and encouragement from someone who has done this before, and I cut over half of my friend's list.
Time will tell if there will be unforeseen negative repercussions, but so far I've received mostly positive responses. I'll continue to refine my friend's list until I've achieved the balance that I'm looking for, but for now, I feel lighter. I'm satisfied that Facebook is now more functional as a tool that serves me, instead of the other way around. And I'm spending much less time on it.
The hardest part for me in purging my friends list was deciding who to keep and who to let go. As I tried to make some hard decisions, I was heartened by this quote from Digital Minimalism:
"It's worth noting that refusing to use social media...to interact means that some people will inevitably fall out of your social orbit - in particular, those whose relationship with you exists only over social media. Here's my tough love reassurance - let them go. The idea that it's valuable to maintain vast numbers of weak-tie social connections is largely an invention of the past decade or so...Humans have maintained rich and fulfilling social lives for our entire history without needing the ability to send a few bits of information each month to people we knew briefly during high school."
-Digital Minimalism, pg 155
Let them go.
So I held my breath and took the plunge. I kept some people that I am hopeful will turn into real-world friends, but I may have to do another purge in the future if nothing comes of those relationships. I let go of some people that I genuinely like and wouldn't mind being friends with - but I've been Facebook friends with them for years, and we never see each other anymore.
I hope those people will understand that even though we are no longer Facebook friends, that doesn't mean that I don't want real-life interaction with them. I am hoping that anyone who really would have liked to keep in touch with me will reach out to set something up, or send a note, outside of social media.
And for the ones that don't - well, I guess we were meant to fade from each other's lives after all.
A Quote
"The woods are so human that to know them one must live with them. An occasional saunter through them, keeping to the well-trodden paths, will never admit us to their intimacy, If we wish to be friends, we must seek them out and win them by frequent, reverent visits at all hours, by morning, by noon, and by night; and at all seasons, in spring, in summer, in autumn, in winter...They have their own effective way of keeping aliens at a distance and shutting their hearts to mere casual sightseers. It is no use to seek the woods from any motive except sheer love of them; they will find us out at once and hide all their sweet, old-world secrets from us. But if they know we come to them because we love them, they will be very kind to us and give us such treasures of beauty and delight as are not bought or sold in any marketplace."
- Lucy Maud Montgomery, The Blue Castle
A little anthropomorphizing of the woods for you this morning, ha! I always like L. M Montgomery's fanciful descriptions in her books though, and this one was sweet and a little true, I thought.
A Book
So, I started reading Little Women, which I've never actually read. You are all welcome to be shocked now.
A Bit Of Nature
If you wake up early enough, and keep an eye out, there is a five minute window when the light coming up over the mountains is just gorgeous.
A Recommendation
So, I thought I'd give you a couple recommendations that were given to me this week. One is this pumpkin chili recipe. I had friends over for a book chat this week, and the conversation turned to different chili recipes. Pumpkin chili sounds interesting, so I think I'm going to have to try it one of these days!
The other recommendation was Wick Wish Candle Co - this company makes "literary and fandom" candles. One of the girls brought over a couple of hers on our book chat night, so we could smell them, and they were so cool! And weirdly they did smell like the books they were representing. I want one now (maybe for Christmas). The ones I smelled were "Jane Austen", "Anne Shirley", and "Little Women" and they were so good.
A Moment Of Happiness
This one is going to double as one more recommendation - if you have the room, you should consider a big dog. Maybe a bloodhound mutt, like our Harvey.
(Harvey, crashing the pictures I was trying to take for the Stitchfix post that I keep forgetting to share!)
As I was doing my devotions this morning, our big 'ole dog came over to me and stuck his nose on top my lap, and while it can be a little annoying at times, I love how sweetly he gets his message across. I scratched his ears and let him outside, and now he is back in, snoring behind me as I type this. The sound makes me smile.
I love having a big dog, because whenever the kids are outside I know he is keeping an eye on them and will alert me if any strangers or questionable wildlife come too close. And when Derek has to be gone for work trips, I honestly don't know what I'd do without Harvey - he sleeps at the foot of the stairs and makes me feel safe. I'm really grateful for him. He started out a little like the puppy in Marley And Me, but just like in that movie, he is a better and better dog with each year.
(If you want to join me for your own "Wednesday Five", feel free!)
Seeing my own kids making friends now has made me think harder about what kinds of things I want to teach them about being a good friend. What makes a good friend? What can you do to help your kids treat their little friends well?
I'd love to hear your answers to these questions. Personally, Proverbs is like a handbook for friendship to me - there are so many principles there for all kinds of relationships, including friendship. I wrote a post that is up over at Tommy Nelson featuring some of my favorite Scriptural principles for friendship - and how to teach those to our children from a young age!
Check it out, and please let me know what you try to teach your kids about friendship in the comments below! I'd love to hear!
I'm sitting down with a bowl of salad and scrolling through my Facebook feed. I have carefully curated my feed to make sure that I will only see updates that I want to see - updates on what my good friends are doing, pictures of their cute kids, interesting articles. I have blocked all complain-y posts and I'm not friends with anyone who annoys me, so it's about as harmless as a Facebook feed can get.
But as I scroll, there is a small knot in my stomach that twists a little.
Oh, she got to go to Hawaii? How fun is that? Why can't we afford Hawaii?
Oh my goodness, look at her adorable baby. Perfectly styled, no less. I need to buy new outfits and take new pictures of the kids.
Oh, the newlyweds are on another date night. I think they've had about five date nights since Derek and I went out last. Was that three or four months ago?
Suddenly I am feeling a little jealous and much less content with my life.
And you know what, I can't even blame my Facebook feed - it's carefully curated, remember? I want to see this stuff. No, the problem isn't with social media or anything else. It's with me.
I have a comparison problem.
I know I am not the only one who struggles with comparison - this is a hot topic. But no matter how many articles I read on the subject, no matter how much I am reminded that I have it pretty darn good too, it is still hard not to let that knot twist me into a discontented mess.
(Note: I received a copy of this book for free in exchange for a review.)
I was excited when I saw a book available for review called "I'm Happy For You . . . Sort Of . . . Not Really" by Kay Willis Wyma. Don't you love that title? I'm not going to lie, I have secretly had those feelings in that exact order. Many times.
This book was so helpful to me in this struggle with comparison. As I was reading through it I was more aware of comparison than I normally am, and I realized just how much it affects my day-to-day happiness. When I am so focused one what everyone else is doing, it's harder to be happy for the things I have, and this book brought sharply into focus for me.
The chapters addressed different areas of comparison and reasons why this is such a struggle in our modern culture. One thing that stood out to me in this book is that comparing to others is the way we can be sucked into the sin of coveting. Whenever we desire something that someone else has (often through comparing what we have to what they have and coming up wanting), we are coveting. Comparison doesn't just "steal our joy", it is also a gateway into sin.
I love the solution this book offers to the comparison problem - to say "I'm happy for you" and mean it. Without a hint of sarcasm. It's not easy to do, but the book made me realize that being happy for someone isn't just something I feel, it is something I actively choose to do.
It's hard to pick a favorite chapter because the whole book was so good, but I really appreciated the chapter on the need to belong. This chapter was a good wake-up call to me that people want to feel known. It should have been obvious to me, because I know that I want others to notice and encourage me - so of course other people want the same. I felt challenged to look at those around me with fresh eyes, notice what makes them unique, and maybe even tell them. I want to be the person who can make someone else feel noticed and special.
Since I started reading this book I have been trying to truly be happy for those around me. So when I scroll through my Facebook feed, my goal is to turn off the train of thought that will lead me to be jealous of my friends, and instead smile to myself at their blessings.
And the one thing that has helped me most in overcoming the comparison game?
I like the status update and comment with something encouraging.
It is really hard not to be happy for someone when you focus on crafting a non-sarcastic, truly happy comment. It's the perfect solution because it encourages them, and I feel my own heart changing in the process. It's a chance to slow down and remember that I do really care about this person, and I am really happy for them, regardless of my own situation. It takes my eyes off me, and puts it onto others - and maybe even directs my mind to God as I shoot up a "thanks for blessing my friend" prayer.
So the next time you find yourself feeling a little jealous as you scroll through your social media feed? Type out a nice comment and mean it. I know it's made Facebook a lot more fun for me!
Do you struggle with comparison and jealousy on social media? What do you do to overcome it?
Note: I received a copy of "I'm Happy For You" for free in exchange for a review. This is my honest opinion.
(Also, yes, I didn't paint my toes for this picture. (1) It's the dead of winter, and (2) no time.)
I like to think of myself as a "life long learner". That phrase was first introduced to me in a 100 level education class when I was a freshman at Wheaton College. I have always love learning - and the more I learn the more I realize I have yet to learn. So, when I became a mom a little over a year ago, I knew that there were lots of things I was going to be learning. One area I was surprised that I needed to learn about was friendship. I thought I had the making-and-maintaining-friendships thing down pretty good...but it turns out that there were a few things I needed to learn and re-learn during this past year.
Things I never knew about friendship...
I just finished reading Women Are Scary: The Totally Awkward Adventure Of Finding Mom Friends by Melanie Dale. I think it’s funny that I have read two different friendship books so close together (the other was Heart Sisters), because it gives me a chance to compare them. If Heart Sisters was a guide to deepening your friendships, I think this would be more of a guide to forming friendships. Dale takes you through that awkward first phase when you know nothing about each other with humorous tips on how to take your “mom dating” friendships to the next level.
I think the subtitle does describe some of my feelings about this book pretty well - I felt like much of it was awkward. Dale uses a dating, first-base, second-base, etc. metaphor to describe the different stages of forming friendships with other moms. That was just an awkward comparison to me to start with, and Dale’s sense of humor thrives on awkward, so the awkwardness was just emphasized. If you like that kind of humor, you probably would love this book. For me, I thought the dating comparisons bordered on inappropriate at times, especially in today’s world where references to homosexuality abound. She wasn’t suggesting anything of the sort in the actual meat of this book, but that’s why I found it hard to relax and enjoy reading it. Plus, I’m just not a potty-humor kind of person, and those jokes are prevalent. Dale self-identifies as “gross”, so you can get an idea of some of the humor.
That said, I did think a lot of the situations and movie references in the book were funny! I thought there were many useful tips and inspirations for making friends scattered throughout, as well as just commonsense advice about how to handle certain difficult situations with friends. Her stories were hilarious, and if you have ever had an awkward friendship moment, you can read this book and know you are not alone. It made me think about and appreciate the friends I have who have stuck with me through all these stages, and it was good inspiration to put the effort in with some ladies I haven’t known as long. I’m not sure I would necessarily recommend this book just because of some of the humor, but it kept me interested and I did enjoy it.
Note: I received a copy of this book for free from BookLook in exchange for this review - this is my honest opinion.
Do you have one of those friends who will always stand by you - who you just know will be a friend all your life because you have gone through the ups and downs together? Someone who will challenge you, tell you the truth in love, and be the first one to offer help when you need it?
Natalie Chambers Snapp calls this kinds of friends “heart sisters” in her book by the same name. I think most people are lucky to have one or two of those kinds of friends in their lifetime, but you can greatly increase your chance of having a “heart sister” if you learn how to be one first. Snapp’s book is perfect for just that.
Heart Sisters isn’t so much about making friends as it is about recognizing the really good ones when you have them, and learning to be one yourself. Snap covers all the characteristics of a “heart sister”, things heart sisters do and don’t do. She talks about walking through conflict with heart sisters. She talks about forgiveness, and she talks about how to train our daughters to be good friends as well.
Snapp’s heart for changing the culture of female friendships to be a culture of encouragement was very clear throughout this book, and I appreciated so much of her advice! I especially appreciated everything she had to say about conflict and forgiveness, which were major themes throughout the book. I think she focused on these so much because in order to be a good heart sister, you need to know how to deal with difficult or hurtful situations when they arise - and if you handle them poorly you can lose any chance you had at forming that close friendship that might have been possible. I appreciated a lot of her advice on conflict resolution between friends, because though I’ve had to walk through it like so many women, I am not sure I have ever really read a book or article about it, and Snapp offers sound biblical wisdom on these subjects, and several others.
If you are looking for advice on how to form friendships, Heart Sisters is probably not quite the book you are looking for - but if you would like to deepen the friendships that you already have, this is the perfect book to read!
Note: I received this book for free from Litfuse Publicity in exchange for a review. This is my honest opinion.
(These grasses are gone now, but they were really pretty while they were here last summer.)
I'm tempted to break out in a verse of "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do", but I haven't had a friendship "break up" since elementary school. Friendships don't usually end that way. In my experience, it's always been more of a slow fade.
I used to be the type to try to stop this as soon as I saw it start. I hate the thought of losing friends, drifting away from people, and I never wanted the fault to fall on me. If I saw it fading, I'd make sure I did everything I could to let the person know I still wanted to be friends. Sometimes the friendship died anyway, but it was never on my conscience. I never wanted to look back and wonder if I should have tried harder.
In recent years I've changed my mind about this a little bit though. Certainly there are a lot of friendships that are worth saving, or sometimes friendships just fade during certain life seasons only to come back later. But over the years I've started to learn that there are some friendships that I'm better off letting go.
This is really hard for me to do. It goes against my nature. I try really hard to be a good friend, and just letting someone go doesn't seem like it fits in with good friendship skills, but I've realized more and more that not everyone is like me. Some people don't care about being a good friend. Some people don't know how to be a good friend. Maybe they are busy with their own lives, maybe they never had good friendship skills modeled for them. Either way I've realized I can't be the only one who cares.
Recently I was struggling with this, wondering why certain friendships of mine over the years have ended or gone stale. I would go over everything that happened toward the end, trying to figure out if I said something or did something that might have offended the person. Wondering if I should have handled this or that better. Wondering if it was me who had dropped the ball.
Then a couple weeks ago a dear friend wrote me a note, out of the blue, just thanking me for always being there for her, for loving her through the tough spots and not judging her (which is ironic, because I've thought the same thing about her actions toward me over the years). It made me want to cry, because she couldn't even have known how much I needed to hear those words right then.
Shortly after I randomly turned the radio to a Christian station, and a speaker was talking about letting go of toxic friendships. The timing was interesting, and I somehow knew the Lord was trying to tell me something.
As I listened my eyes opened up, and I realized what kind of friends I really want. I want friends like the one I have who wrote me that note. I want friends who make me feel loved and accepted even with all my flaws. Friends who I know will be there for me through the tough times, friends who will forgive me when I make stupid mistakes, friends who will overlook the little things. Friends who not only love when I call or write to them, but who reciprocate and reach out to me too. You may not have talked to them for months, but you can get together again and feel like nothing has changed.
Those are the friends who stay. Those are the friends who are worth keeping. I have several friends like that - and what a blessing they are in my life! To have multiple women in my life that are these kind of friends to me - how can I ask for anything more than that? I am blessed.
On the other hand, friends that always make me wonder if I did something wrong, friends who don't call me back, friends who always seem to have an agenda, friends who are too busy (or just don't care enough) to make the effort to keep in touch - those friendships are exhausting. They aren't edifying, they suck the energy right out of me. They don't make me focus on God, they don't make me focus on things that are really important. If anything the constant effort and drama that they require distracts me from my walk with the Lord and from the good relationships in my life. I think this second type of friendship qualifies as toxic, and these are not the kind of friendships I want. They are the kind that need letting go.
The Lord showed me that sometimes it can be the right thing to do. When I accepted that, it turned out that letting go wasn't as hard as I thought.
I think all of us have at some point received unsolicited advice. It kind of goes along with being a person.
Most people love to give their advice on anything and everything, sometimes whether it is asked for or not. This is true for all life stages, I think, but it reaches a whole other level when you become a mom. Suddenly you are a target for people to shoot their advice at and everyone wants to take a shot, from the lady in the grocery store, to the brand-new father who is catering your family reunion, to the single girl who isn't anywhere near being a mother (not that I speak from personal experience or anything).
I've heard from a lot of people who hate getting advice from others when they weren't asking for it - and truth be told, I've had my moments where I have hated it too. But over the years I've learned a few things, and the unsolicited advice doesn't bother me as much anymore. Here are the reasons why.
1. I realize people care about me and are just trying to help.
Sometimes I decide to talk about a problem or a struggle with someone just because I want to talk about it. And when they start to try to "fix" my problem by giving me advice, there can be that temptation to feel annoyed. But most of the time they are doing this because they hate to see me struggling, and they want to help my sorrows disappear. So they give advice. When you realize they aren't trying to boss you around, they are just trying to help you, it becomes easier to take the advice for the good intent behind it, even if it's not what you were looking for.
Sometimes I decide to talk about a problem or a struggle with someone just because I want to talk about it. And when they start to try to "fix" my problem by giving me advice, there can be that temptation to feel annoyed. But most of the time they are doing this because they hate to see me struggling, and they want to help my sorrows disappear. So they give advice. When you realize they aren't trying to boss you around, they are just trying to help you, it becomes easier to take the advice for the good intent behind it, even if it's not what you were looking for.
2. I realize people are trying to connect with me.
Sometimes people will offer advice because they have been through something similar, and they feel a connection to me. They want to talk about our shared problems or experiences, and sometimes the easiest opening to make that connection or let me know they know what I am going through is to offer a snippet of advice! When this happens, take the bait. Carry through with the conversation and make the connection.
Sometimes people will offer advice because they have been through something similar, and they feel a connection to me. They want to talk about our shared problems or experiences, and sometimes the easiest opening to make that connection or let me know they know what I am going through is to offer a snippet of advice! When this happens, take the bait. Carry through with the conversation and make the connection.
3. I realize people are trying to impress me.
Sometimes people give advice because they are trying to show off their vast knowledge on the subject. This usually happens with acquaintances or new friends and is one of the most annoying kinds of advice to deal with. However, I try to look at it from the other angle - they wouldn't feel the need to "show off" if they didn't think I was someone worth impressing. That's kind of flattering! The best way to deal with this motivation for advice is to say something along the lines of "Wow, that's a really good point, is that what you do/did?" or "Interesting, tell me more", and try to take the conversation more in the direction of personal stories. Then you can share experiences and advice back and forth without feeling like you are being lectured.
Sometimes people give advice because they are trying to show off their vast knowledge on the subject. This usually happens with acquaintances or new friends and is one of the most annoying kinds of advice to deal with. However, I try to look at it from the other angle - they wouldn't feel the need to "show off" if they didn't think I was someone worth impressing. That's kind of flattering! The best way to deal with this motivation for advice is to say something along the lines of "Wow, that's a really good point, is that what you do/did?" or "Interesting, tell me more", and try to take the conversation more in the direction of personal stories. Then you can share experiences and advice back and forth without feeling like you are being lectured.
4. I realize people aren't necessarily trying to be a know-it-all.
At the same time, I don't assume every time someone tries to give me advice they are trying to show off. That can lead to unnecessary annoyance. The motives behind the advice are more likely one of the first two. I always assume it's one of the first two motives listed here until it becomes obvious that it's motive #3.
At the same time, I don't assume every time someone tries to give me advice they are trying to show off. That can lead to unnecessary annoyance. The motives behind the advice are more likely one of the first two. I always assume it's one of the first two motives listed here until it becomes obvious that it's motive #3.
5. I realize that any random advice given by strangers who tell me that some insignificant thing that I am doing is wrong is immediately up for dismissal, unless there is imminent danger or something.
Strange people you see in the mall really shouldn't be telling you what to do, unless it's along the lines of "You are blessed, enjoy your life!" (which is probably the most common stranger advice, especially when they see your cute babies). When Wyatt was a month or two old some lady at Joann's told me I was holding him wrong. But actually Wyatt was just trying to look at the lights (he's always loved lights). Annoying? Yes, this is probably the type of advice that is truly annoying with no real redeeming factors. But it's not something to dwell on. Your blood pressure will thank you if you just learn to dismiss it.
Strange people you see in the mall really shouldn't be telling you what to do, unless it's along the lines of "You are blessed, enjoy your life!" (which is probably the most common stranger advice, especially when they see your cute babies). When Wyatt was a month or two old some lady at Joann's told me I was holding him wrong. But actually Wyatt was just trying to look at the lights (he's always loved lights). Annoying? Yes, this is probably the type of advice that is truly annoying with no real redeeming factors. But it's not something to dwell on. Your blood pressure will thank you if you just learn to dismiss it.
6. I realize I don't have to take all the advice given to me.
People can give me all the advice they want, but in the end I pray about it, and I decide what's going to work best for me or my family. I'm not obligated to take any specific advice, especially the advice given by random people at the store. And those who love me are going to support me whatever I decide. That knowledge is freeing and makes the advice less frustrating. I've learned to listen to the advice, to consider it because a multitude of counselors is a good thing, and to have confidence in the final decisions I make.
People can give me all the advice they want, but in the end I pray about it, and I decide what's going to work best for me or my family. I'm not obligated to take any specific advice, especially the advice given by random people at the store. And those who love me are going to support me whatever I decide. That knowledge is freeing and makes the advice less frustrating. I've learned to listen to the advice, to consider it because a multitude of counselors is a good thing, and to have confidence in the final decisions I make.
(Free printable - click on photo to enlarge, then save to your computer.)
7. I realize sometimes that "annoying advice" is just what I need.
This goes back to the week we got back from our honeymoon. Someone who is close to me noticed that I kept correcting parts of the story when Derek was telling about the different things we saw on our trip, and they advised me not to do that and just let Derek tell the story his way. It annoyed me at the time, but two years later I read something that reminded me of that conversation, and I realized that person was right. It was silly of me to keep correcting Derek on things that didn't matter - it was disrespectful and sent the message that Derek was getting everything wrong. I vowed right then to listen to the advice that was given me in the future and try not to be immediately annoyed, because even if I disagreed at the moment the wisdom could become more apparent to me later.
This goes back to the week we got back from our honeymoon. Someone who is close to me noticed that I kept correcting parts of the story when Derek was telling about the different things we saw on our trip, and they advised me not to do that and just let Derek tell the story his way. It annoyed me at the time, but two years later I read something that reminded me of that conversation, and I realized that person was right. It was silly of me to keep correcting Derek on things that didn't matter - it was disrespectful and sent the message that Derek was getting everything wrong. I vowed right then to listen to the advice that was given me in the future and try not to be immediately annoyed, because even if I disagreed at the moment the wisdom could become more apparent to me later.
8. I realize that sometimes people are trying to be controlling or manipulative, and in those instances it's okay to respectfully disagree or disregard their "advice".
Some people are controlling. Some people are trying to push their agendas. Some people are insulting you personally and hide their insults behind "advice". I try to give people the benefit of a doubt, but I think if you suspect that this may be the reason behind someone's "advice", you should run their comments by someone you trust. If you feel like someone is being controlling or manipulative, it's okay to respectfully stand your ground and refuse to accept the hurtful words.
Some people are controlling. Some people are trying to push their agendas. Some people are insulting you personally and hide their insults behind "advice". I try to give people the benefit of a doubt, but I think if you suspect that this may be the reason behind someone's "advice", you should run their comments by someone you trust. If you feel like someone is being controlling or manipulative, it's okay to respectfully stand your ground and refuse to accept the hurtful words.
How did I come to realize all this? Because I've come face-to-face with the fact that sometimes I am an unsolicited-advice giver! I think everyone is at times without really realizing it. And I know the reasons behind my motivations when I give advice. This has helped me to search out and appreciate more the heart of those who are trying to give me advice - because I think most people are giving advice for pure reasons.
And you know what? I love that. I love that they are interested enough in me and care enough about me as a person to want to help me. I love that they want to connect with me and impress me. I love that I have people in my life who are willing to say the hard stuff because they want me to be "the best me I can be". I've learned when advice is just a different way of looking at things, when someone's advice is something serious that I should prayerfully consider, and when it serves no other purpose but to control or hurt. When I can distinguish that I can react in the appropriate way.
What are some ways you deal with unsolicited advice? Are there any things that have helped you have a more God-honoring perspective when it comes to all the advice-giving?
The other day Wyatt was taking a nap, and I decided to turn on the TV to see what was on. And for those of you who have been reading for a while, yes, we got cable back! It was really good to take a break from it for a year, and we probably will take another break in the future - but there is so much going on this year, like the Olympics and the election, and we decided to get cable again for now.
Anyway, I came across this show about women who hide their pregnancies, so I decided to see what it was all about. But one of the stories stood out.
One of the girls on the show decided to hide her pregnancy because a few months before she had a son that was stillborn. And when she shared this heartbreaking news on Facebook, hoping for some support, she got a grand total of 6 responses. Out of 300 Facebook friends.
I found that to be so sad, and I honestly didn't blame her a bit for not wanting to share the happy news of her pregnancy after getting no support from her "friends" on Facebook or in real life. I'm not sure I would want to share anything for a while after something like that either.
And it got me thinking - is this what the world is coming to? A place where people can't muster up the energy (or even just the courtesy) to reach outside of Facebook in the face of a tragedy? Worse than that, that these people couldn't even reach out properly within the confines of Facebook? I find that so disturbing.
One thing that I dislike about Facebook is the fact that it does promote apathy when it comes to friendships. It's one of the reasons I took a Facebook break not long ago, and why I limit what I share on it now. I don't like the thought of someone just checking my Facebook page to see what I've been doing when they could call or e-mail me directly. If they want to feel like they are interacting with me, the only effort they have to put out is one click on the "Like" button.
I think it creates a false sense of friendship, one where someone can get all the benefits of knowing what is going on with their "friend" without having to put out any actual effort to find out. Where they can feel like they are being a "friend" to someone without doing anything but clicking a couple times and hitting a few keys.
Obviously there are exceptions to this, like in the blogging world (all of our interaction is online by necessity!), or in the case of people who combine Facebook interaction with real life interaction, which I think is good.
But it is not fine to see something so tragic happen to your friend and comment on Facebook but never follow up with them in real life to see how they are doing. It is not fine to see an announcement of something so tragic and be so lazy in your friendship that you can't even take the time to type out an "I'm so sorry."
That is not okay. That is not a friendship. And it frustrates me that someone could have the nerve to call themselves a friend to someone when they can't even be there, in the flesh, when they are needed most.
At the end of the show this girl reconnects with her friends, tells them the truth, and it appears that these friendships are on the road to healing after that. And I'm sure they probably did reach some level of trust again. But I don't think those people can ever reach the level in their friendship with this girl that they could have reached if they had just been there for her in the face of tragedy. They've forever missed that chance. And that is sad.
I guess I say all this to remind you (and me) to take the time to be an outside-of-Facebook friend to someone this week. Because the people who can reach outside of social media to touch someone else are the ones that are the true gems in the midst of all the people that social networks call our "friends".
I don't want to just be a digital version of someone's "friend". I want to be a supportive-on-social-media-and-in-real-life, all-in, gem of a friend to someone.
I want to be a friend worth having.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
