3 hours ago
Note: This post is possibly of the "too much information" variety, and it's directed toward female readers, especially those that are married. It's really not for kiddies or males to read, so if you are a kid or a male, go ahead and skip this post. Okay, you've been sufficiently warned.
Also please note that I am not a doctor or a medical professional, I'm just summarizing some of the research I've done. Please consult your medical professionals with concerns. These posts include information as well as my opinions based on research I've done and are for your information only. They are not intended to replace proper medical diagnosis or treatment.
I recently had a request to explain how I monitor my fertility signs, and I thought, well, why not do a blog post on the subject? I haven't really talked about this since last year, and it's good information for any woman to know. Whether you're trying for a baby, trying not to have a baby, or haven't even thought about this before, if you're a woman with menstrual cycles, you should know this stuff.
I'd like to say right here that I got most of this information from a book called "Taking Charge Of your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. If you are interested in using FAM, you should definitely read this book - it addresses proper charting, special situations, and more information on how to use FAM for a natural method of birth control. I'm just going to present you with the basic information in my own words here, but you all should really read the book. I'm not an expert, she is - I'm just giving you a summary.
So here we go.
Background Information
A little background first: Derek and I started using the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) last year after we went off the pill. If you have never read that post, you should read it. It explains why Derek and I decided to go off the pill, and why we will never go on it again, and honestly, doctors should be telling any woman this before prescribing the pill, especially if they know you're pro-life. Okay, I'll get off that soap box now.
Anyway, we initially used FAM to try not to get pregnant, but once it became apparent that I may not be able to get pregnant, we decided to start trying for a baby. Then we started using the FAM method to get pregnant, and if I didn't know this stuff, it would have been very easy to miss our opportunity.
If my dear friend Amber did not tell me about the pill last year, and then tell me about the FAM method, we would not have this sweet child that we do now, so if I've never said it before, thanks Amber.
The Basics
So without further ado, I now pass the information on to you, my dear blogging buddies. I know alot of you already know this stuff, but just in case some of you don't.
Okay, let's talk about the basics first (I know you all know the basics, but just so we're on the same page). In order to get pregnant, two things have to happen: (1) Your body must release an egg from one of your two ovaries, and (2) the sperm must travel through the cervical fluid and join with the egg. Then (bam!) you have a baby.
There's a few numbers that the FAM method is based from. First, the egg can only be fertilized for the first twenty-four hours after it is released. Second, sperm can live inside your system for 3-5 days (closer to 3, but up to 5). Third, the sperm must be in your system for a certain period of time in order to be able to fertilize the egg (the process is called capacitation - see Resource 1). I don't think they've actually proven the exact amount of time it takes for sperm to become capacitated, but it generally takes several hours.
With this information, the thought is that if you can abstain from sex or use some other form of birth control for the 5 days before you ovulate and the 2-3 days after, you will most likely not get pregnant. Inversely, if you want to get pregnant, you should time sex to coincide with your fertile time, particularly the 3 days before you ovulate (because remember, the egg is only good for 24 hours at the most after it is released, and the sperm have to be in your system for several hours in order to fertilize the egg).
So the trick is to know when exactly you ovulate, and how do you know that? I'm so glad you asked!
Your body gives you several observable signs to let you know when you are fertile and when you've ovulated. The main ones are (1) a shift in basal body temperature, (2) a change in the consistency of your cervical fluid, and (3) changes in your cervix.
Shift In Temperature
After the egg is released the corpus luteum (which was previously encasing the egg) releases a hormone called progesterone which prepares your body for a potential pregnancy. One of the effects of this rise in progesterone is that your basal body temperature will rise. It’s usually pretty subtle, by 5/10ths of a degree or so. If you take your temperatures daily, you'll see an upward shift in your temperatures after you've ovulated, and your temperatures will stay up until you have your period. If you get pregnant, they'll stay up until you have the baby.
Here's an example a temperature shift in an ovulation cycle, and this is also a pregnancy chart. You'll notice how the temperature stays up well past the 14 days . . .
How To Check It: Your basal body temperature is your temperature at rest. You determine your basal body temperature by using a basal body thermometer (which has smaller graduations of measurement) to take your temperature directly after waking up in the morning, before you get out of bed or move or speak (because too much movement or speech can throw it off).
You should try to take it at the same time every morning. I take mine at 4:45 AM, which sounds really early, but that's when I have to get up on the days that I work, and during the rest of the week I still take it at 4:45 AM and go back to sleep afterward. You should also try to get at least 3 hours of continuous sleep before taking your temperature, to ensure that your body is completely at rest.
Lots of people think that this would be impossible to do every morning, but once you get into the habit of it, it's no big deal. I don't even think about it anymore - the alarm goes off, I reach for my thermometer, snooze while the thermometer is computing, look at the temperature, go back to sleep. Easy as pie. After three weeks of temping you'll be there too.
Once your temperature goes up, you'll get your period in about 12-14 days after that. If you don't and your temperature stays up for 18 consecutive days, you're most likely pregnant.
Temperature charting lets you know that you've ovulated after the fact. The main benefit of charting your temperature is to determine whether you did, in fact, ovulate, and it also gives you a heads up of when your period is coming (or not coming). This is especially helpful for people with irregular cycles, like myself, It's also great for determining if your body is actually functioning properly.
If you are just going off the pill, don't be surprised if your temperature chart looks like a bunch of spikes. For several months after I went off the pill, my temperatures kept going up and down every couple of days. My chart looked like a mountain range. It'll probably take a little while for you body to normalize, but charting can also tell you if you're not ovulating.
Charting alone, however, will not help you get pregnant or prevent pregnancy in any given cycle, because as I said before, it doesn't let you know you've ovulated until after the fact. By the time your temperature actually goes up the egg is already dead and gone, or you're already pregnant. The next two signs are the ones you really want to pay attention to, because they let you know when ovulation is imminent.
Change In Cervical Fluid
You all know what I'm talking about with this one, whether you realize it yet or not. Your body produces cervical fluid, and it produces it in different amounts at different points in your cycle. Cervical fluid can range from white and sticky to clear and watery, and it changes in consistency the closer you are to ovulation.
Cervical fluid has different functions, the most important one for our purposes being that it allows sperm to live inside you and travel to the egg. If your cervical fluid is thick and sticky and white, the sperm can't live in that. They can only live in the clear, watery variety.
It's amazing how perfectly the Lord has designed our bodies. The closer you are to ovulating, the more fertile your cervical fluid becomes. Fertile cervical fluid is of an egg-white consistency, clear, watery, and it peaks right around the day you ovulate - so you'll get lots of wet cervical fluid. You know how sometimes in the middle of the month you get that gush of something, and you run to the bathroom to check, and your underwear are just wet? That would be it, and (aha!) that would be the day to try for a baby.
If you can monitor the consistency of your cervical fluid, you can know when you're about to ovulate, and you can plan accordingly. Keep in mind that you can have the fertile cervical fluid 1-3 days before the day you ovulate as well, so if you're trying not to get pregnant, you should do something else on those days. If you are trying to get pregnant, make sure you take advantage of those days. Either way, you need to be checking this sign, because it's the most important one for both groups. This one is not optional, it's vital.
How To Check It: You can check your cervical fluid either by taking charge and reaching in for a sample, or just by wiping with toilet paper and seeing what you got.
Alright, enough said about that.
Changes In Your Cervix
This sign is optional, but it can be nice to have a third confirmation of the other two signs. It's also the most awkward to describe and the most difficult to understand.
Your cervix is the lowest part of your uterus, and you can actually feel it with your fingers. It feels like a small, round protrusion, with a small dent in the middle. You want to check for three things - firmness, openness, and position.
When you get close to ovulating, your cervix becomes softer, more open, and higher (to allow for sperm to enter easily so they can reach the egg). When you are not fertile (example: after you ovulate) your cervix will feel firm, low and closed.
The change in firmness is subtle - "Taking Charge Of Your Fertility" describes it as the difference between touching your nose and touching your lips. The small dent in the middle is the opening to your cervix, and it will feel more open the closer you are to ovulating. You'll also notice through consistent checking that your cervix will be higher the closer to ovulating, and lower after ovulation.
How To Check It: The cervix is rather awkward to check, because you need to reach a finger inside of yourself and try to find it. You should also make sure your standing in the same position each time you check, because the way you stand affects it's position. Make sure your hands are clean.
It's going to take you a while to figure this one out, and if the whole thing just sounds scary, just skip this one. It's not entirely necessary, especially if you have regular cycles. But if you have crazy cycles, or you don't think you're ovulating, it might be a good idea to check it. It just gives you more information to use to estimate ovulation.
This one just takes alot of practice, and if you're totally overwhelmed and freaked out about checking it, just skip this one.
To Be Continued
Those are the three main signs you want to monitoring with FAM. Now you know the basics; tomorrow I'll post some additional information you should know about a couple other signs you may have, some resources, and some information on when things aren't functioning properly.
Note: You can use FAM for birth control or to increase your chances of conceiving in any given cycle. Plus it's just good to know what's going on with your body. If you perform FAM properly, it is just as effective as the birth control pill in preventing pregnancy - a 99.5% success rate (see Resource 4). I didn't address the proper way to use FAM for birth control in this post, so if you would like more information on that, please look into Resources 2-4, listed below.
Resources:
1. Medical Dictionary by The Free Medical Dictionary. Definition of Sperm Capacitation. http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/sperm+capacitation
2. Weschler, Toni. Taking Charge Of Your Fertility, Copyright 2002, 1995.
3. Taking Charge Of Your Fertility Website. http://www.tcoyf.com/.
4. Frank -Hermann, P.; Heil, J.; Gnoth, C.; Toledo, E; Baur, S.; Pyper, C.; Jenetzky, e.; Strowitzki, T.; Freundl, G. The Effectiveness Of A Fertility Awareness Based Method To Avoid Pregnancy In Relation To A Couple's Sexual Behavior During The Fertile Time: A Prospective Longitudinal Study. February 20, 2007. http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/dem003v1.
Also please note that I am not a doctor or a medical professional, I'm just summarizing some of the research I've done. Please consult your medical professionals with concerns. These posts include information as well as my opinions based on research I've done and are for your information only. They are not intended to replace proper medical diagnosis or treatment.
I recently had a request to explain how I monitor my fertility signs, and I thought, well, why not do a blog post on the subject? I haven't really talked about this since last year, and it's good information for any woman to know. Whether you're trying for a baby, trying not to have a baby, or haven't even thought about this before, if you're a woman with menstrual cycles, you should know this stuff.
I'd like to say right here that I got most of this information from a book called "Taking Charge Of your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. If you are interested in using FAM, you should definitely read this book - it addresses proper charting, special situations, and more information on how to use FAM for a natural method of birth control. I'm just going to present you with the basic information in my own words here, but you all should really read the book. I'm not an expert, she is - I'm just giving you a summary.
So here we go.
Background Information
A little background first: Derek and I started using the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) last year after we went off the pill. If you have never read that post, you should read it. It explains why Derek and I decided to go off the pill, and why we will never go on it again, and honestly, doctors should be telling any woman this before prescribing the pill, especially if they know you're pro-life. Okay, I'll get off that soap box now.
Anyway, we initially used FAM to try not to get pregnant, but once it became apparent that I may not be able to get pregnant, we decided to start trying for a baby. Then we started using the FAM method to get pregnant, and if I didn't know this stuff, it would have been very easy to miss our opportunity.
If my dear friend Amber did not tell me about the pill last year, and then tell me about the FAM method, we would not have this sweet child that we do now, so if I've never said it before, thanks Amber.
The Basics
So without further ado, I now pass the information on to you, my dear blogging buddies. I know alot of you already know this stuff, but just in case some of you don't.
Okay, let's talk about the basics first (I know you all know the basics, but just so we're on the same page). In order to get pregnant, two things have to happen: (1) Your body must release an egg from one of your two ovaries, and (2) the sperm must travel through the cervical fluid and join with the egg. Then (bam!) you have a baby.
There's a few numbers that the FAM method is based from. First, the egg can only be fertilized for the first twenty-four hours after it is released. Second, sperm can live inside your system for 3-5 days (closer to 3, but up to 5). Third, the sperm must be in your system for a certain period of time in order to be able to fertilize the egg (the process is called capacitation - see Resource 1). I don't think they've actually proven the exact amount of time it takes for sperm to become capacitated, but it generally takes several hours.
With this information, the thought is that if you can abstain from sex or use some other form of birth control for the 5 days before you ovulate and the 2-3 days after, you will most likely not get pregnant. Inversely, if you want to get pregnant, you should time sex to coincide with your fertile time, particularly the 3 days before you ovulate (because remember, the egg is only good for 24 hours at the most after it is released, and the sperm have to be in your system for several hours in order to fertilize the egg).
So the trick is to know when exactly you ovulate, and how do you know that? I'm so glad you asked!
Your body gives you several observable signs to let you know when you are fertile and when you've ovulated. The main ones are (1) a shift in basal body temperature, (2) a change in the consistency of your cervical fluid, and (3) changes in your cervix.
Shift In Temperature
After the egg is released the corpus luteum (which was previously encasing the egg) releases a hormone called progesterone which prepares your body for a potential pregnancy. One of the effects of this rise in progesterone is that your basal body temperature will rise. It’s usually pretty subtle, by 5/10ths of a degree or so. If you take your temperatures daily, you'll see an upward shift in your temperatures after you've ovulated, and your temperatures will stay up until you have your period. If you get pregnant, they'll stay up until you have the baby.
Here's an example a temperature shift in an ovulation cycle, and this is also a pregnancy chart. You'll notice how the temperature stays up well past the 14 days . . .
How To Check It: Your basal body temperature is your temperature at rest. You determine your basal body temperature by using a basal body thermometer (which has smaller graduations of measurement) to take your temperature directly after waking up in the morning, before you get out of bed or move or speak (because too much movement or speech can throw it off).
You should try to take it at the same time every morning. I take mine at 4:45 AM, which sounds really early, but that's when I have to get up on the days that I work, and during the rest of the week I still take it at 4:45 AM and go back to sleep afterward. You should also try to get at least 3 hours of continuous sleep before taking your temperature, to ensure that your body is completely at rest.
Lots of people think that this would be impossible to do every morning, but once you get into the habit of it, it's no big deal. I don't even think about it anymore - the alarm goes off, I reach for my thermometer, snooze while the thermometer is computing, look at the temperature, go back to sleep. Easy as pie. After three weeks of temping you'll be there too.
Once your temperature goes up, you'll get your period in about 12-14 days after that. If you don't and your temperature stays up for 18 consecutive days, you're most likely pregnant.
Temperature charting lets you know that you've ovulated after the fact. The main benefit of charting your temperature is to determine whether you did, in fact, ovulate, and it also gives you a heads up of when your period is coming (or not coming). This is especially helpful for people with irregular cycles, like myself, It's also great for determining if your body is actually functioning properly.
If you are just going off the pill, don't be surprised if your temperature chart looks like a bunch of spikes. For several months after I went off the pill, my temperatures kept going up and down every couple of days. My chart looked like a mountain range. It'll probably take a little while for you body to normalize, but charting can also tell you if you're not ovulating.
Charting alone, however, will not help you get pregnant or prevent pregnancy in any given cycle, because as I said before, it doesn't let you know you've ovulated until after the fact. By the time your temperature actually goes up the egg is already dead and gone, or you're already pregnant. The next two signs are the ones you really want to pay attention to, because they let you know when ovulation is imminent.
Change In Cervical Fluid
You all know what I'm talking about with this one, whether you realize it yet or not. Your body produces cervical fluid, and it produces it in different amounts at different points in your cycle. Cervical fluid can range from white and sticky to clear and watery, and it changes in consistency the closer you are to ovulation.
Cervical fluid has different functions, the most important one for our purposes being that it allows sperm to live inside you and travel to the egg. If your cervical fluid is thick and sticky and white, the sperm can't live in that. They can only live in the clear, watery variety.
It's amazing how perfectly the Lord has designed our bodies. The closer you are to ovulating, the more fertile your cervical fluid becomes. Fertile cervical fluid is of an egg-white consistency, clear, watery, and it peaks right around the day you ovulate - so you'll get lots of wet cervical fluid. You know how sometimes in the middle of the month you get that gush of something, and you run to the bathroom to check, and your underwear are just wet? That would be it, and (aha!) that would be the day to try for a baby.
If you can monitor the consistency of your cervical fluid, you can know when you're about to ovulate, and you can plan accordingly. Keep in mind that you can have the fertile cervical fluid 1-3 days before the day you ovulate as well, so if you're trying not to get pregnant, you should do something else on those days. If you are trying to get pregnant, make sure you take advantage of those days. Either way, you need to be checking this sign, because it's the most important one for both groups. This one is not optional, it's vital.
How To Check It: You can check your cervical fluid either by taking charge and reaching in for a sample, or just by wiping with toilet paper and seeing what you got.
Alright, enough said about that.
Changes In Your Cervix
This sign is optional, but it can be nice to have a third confirmation of the other two signs. It's also the most awkward to describe and the most difficult to understand.
Your cervix is the lowest part of your uterus, and you can actually feel it with your fingers. It feels like a small, round protrusion, with a small dent in the middle. You want to check for three things - firmness, openness, and position.
When you get close to ovulating, your cervix becomes softer, more open, and higher (to allow for sperm to enter easily so they can reach the egg). When you are not fertile (example: after you ovulate) your cervix will feel firm, low and closed.
The change in firmness is subtle - "Taking Charge Of Your Fertility" describes it as the difference between touching your nose and touching your lips. The small dent in the middle is the opening to your cervix, and it will feel more open the closer you are to ovulating. You'll also notice through consistent checking that your cervix will be higher the closer to ovulating, and lower after ovulation.
How To Check It: The cervix is rather awkward to check, because you need to reach a finger inside of yourself and try to find it. You should also make sure your standing in the same position each time you check, because the way you stand affects it's position. Make sure your hands are clean.
It's going to take you a while to figure this one out, and if the whole thing just sounds scary, just skip this one. It's not entirely necessary, especially if you have regular cycles. But if you have crazy cycles, or you don't think you're ovulating, it might be a good idea to check it. It just gives you more information to use to estimate ovulation.
This one just takes alot of practice, and if you're totally overwhelmed and freaked out about checking it, just skip this one.
To Be Continued
Those are the three main signs you want to monitoring with FAM. Now you know the basics; tomorrow I'll post some additional information you should know about a couple other signs you may have, some resources, and some information on when things aren't functioning properly.
Note: You can use FAM for birth control or to increase your chances of conceiving in any given cycle. Plus it's just good to know what's going on with your body. If you perform FAM properly, it is just as effective as the birth control pill in preventing pregnancy - a 99.5% success rate (see Resource 4). I didn't address the proper way to use FAM for birth control in this post, so if you would like more information on that, please look into Resources 2-4, listed below.
Resources:
1. Medical Dictionary by The Free Medical Dictionary. Definition of Sperm Capacitation. http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/sperm+capacitation
2. Weschler, Toni. Taking Charge Of Your Fertility, Copyright 2002, 1995.
3. Taking Charge Of Your Fertility Website. http://www.tcoyf.com/.
4. Frank -Hermann, P.; Heil, J.; Gnoth, C.; Toledo, E; Baur, S.; Pyper, C.; Jenetzky, e.; Strowitzki, T.; Freundl, G. The Effectiveness Of A Fertility Awareness Based Method To Avoid Pregnancy In Relation To A Couple's Sexual Behavior During The Fertile Time: A Prospective Longitudinal Study. February 20, 2007. http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/dem003v1.
I was reading in Matthew the other day, and I came across this verse:
"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. But I say to you that for every idle word that men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgement. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words your words you will be condemned."
Matthew 12:35-37
That's a pretty scary passage - I shudder to think of the words I will have to give account for on the day of judgement. I'll be forgiven for them, because Jesus' blood covers all my sins, including my words, but I'd rather keep the list of things to account for short, wouldn't you?
It's so easy to say things we shouldn't. When you're angry especially, but I'm not talking about just that. Notice the verse doesn't say that you will give account of just every hurtful word, or every word spoken in anger. It says we will give account of every idle word.
I think that includes the times when we inadvertently say something hurtful, or don't think about the other person's feelings. The times that we let something slip that we shouldn't have. The times when we don't say as much as we should, or don't speak up when we should. All the times that we don't think before we speak.
See what I mean? That's scary.
Thank the Lord that even though we may have to give an account of every sin at the day of judgement, for those of us who are Christians, our Lord Jesus will step in. We may feel unworthy, because we are, but all He'll have to do is to reach out His hands and remind us again that He died to pay for that - and we'll never have to think about those sins again. His blood has already washed them away, and He claimed us as His children from the beginning of time.
What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
-Robert Lowry, from the hymn Nothing But The Blood Of Jesus
"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. But I say to you that for every idle word that men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgement. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words your words you will be condemned."
Matthew 12:35-37
That's a pretty scary passage - I shudder to think of the words I will have to give account for on the day of judgement. I'll be forgiven for them, because Jesus' blood covers all my sins, including my words, but I'd rather keep the list of things to account for short, wouldn't you?
It's so easy to say things we shouldn't. When you're angry especially, but I'm not talking about just that. Notice the verse doesn't say that you will give account of just every hurtful word, or every word spoken in anger. It says we will give account of every idle word.
I think that includes the times when we inadvertently say something hurtful, or don't think about the other person's feelings. The times that we let something slip that we shouldn't have. The times when we don't say as much as we should, or don't speak up when we should. All the times that we don't think before we speak.
See what I mean? That's scary.
Thank the Lord that even though we may have to give an account of every sin at the day of judgement, for those of us who are Christians, our Lord Jesus will step in. We may feel unworthy, because we are, but all He'll have to do is to reach out His hands and remind us again that He died to pay for that - and we'll never have to think about those sins again. His blood has already washed them away, and He claimed us as His children from the beginning of time.
What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
-Robert Lowry, from the hymn Nothing But The Blood Of Jesus
Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel like crying all day long?
Usually it's about stupid little things or irrational worries. But it doesn't matter that they're stupid and little, because they seem like they are such a big deal. It doesn't matter that your fears are irrational, because all you can see is the worse thing that could happen.
Then when any little thing goes wrong it just sets you off, and you just go throw yourself on the bed and cry your eyes out?
Sometimes a girl just needs a good cry. After you have a good cry everything seems better.
On the other hand, I'm not sure a good cry really accomplishes anything. It's ridiculous to let yourself get so worked up over little things, when you could turn everything over to the Lord, and He would handle it just fine.
Do we not believe that He can handle it just fine? For me, I don't think that's the case - I know He can handle all my problems, I just worry that He won't choose to handle them in the way I want Him to handle them.
For me, it's more about wanting my own way. Do I not believe that the Lord knows what I need and will work it out in a way that will be for my own good? No, I know that as well. I know it with my rational head, but my irrational heart is sometimes full of disbelief and "what ifs".
What a girl really needs more than a good cry is to hand her problems over to her Jesus, and trust Him to work out the details.
I love this quote by J. I. Packer in his book Knowing God:
"Such trust is vital; it is in truth the mainspring of the life of faith, which without it becomes a life of at least partial unbelief."
The Bible is very clear that the man who trusts in the Lord is blessed (Psalm 40:4, 84:12). Does this mean blessed with the answers to all our problems? I don't think so - I think it means that man will be blessed with a peace and joy that surpasses understanding.
And that's worth more than the answers to all our problems, because through the process we grow. One would never learn the joy of trusting God if all the answers to his problems were given to him immediately.
Why is it that with each new problem I must re-learn to trust the Lord? It shouldn't be so hard. But I suspect that it will get easier with each subsequent trial. At least I hope so.
But maybe trusting isn't something you achieve permanently, maybe it's more of a continual process - and you grow more and more through each different situation by applying the same lesson that you've learned a hundred times before.
I think we must consciously choose to believe Him and choose to trust Him for all that we need before any real trustful feelings even appear. It's a choice to believe his Word, and believe that all things work out for the good of those the love Him (Romans 8:28).
Is He worthy of my trust? Yes. He's shown me that many times before, and He's always taken care of me. Maybe not in the exact way I wanted, but He's never let me down. I have no reason to believe He'll start now. He'll give me courage and strength to face each new situation in life with my heart resting in Him.
Am I most happy when He gives me an answer? No. I'm most happy when I've reached the place where I will trust Him regardless of what happens.
He knows my needs (Matthew 6:32). He cares for me (1 Peter 5:7).
I am His beloved child.
He proved that to me in a very practical way last night.
The Bible says that He grants sleep to those He loves (Psalm 127:2).
After my good cry last night I've had the best sleep that I've had all week.
Usually it's about stupid little things or irrational worries. But it doesn't matter that they're stupid and little, because they seem like they are such a big deal. It doesn't matter that your fears are irrational, because all you can see is the worse thing that could happen.
Then when any little thing goes wrong it just sets you off, and you just go throw yourself on the bed and cry your eyes out?
Sometimes a girl just needs a good cry. After you have a good cry everything seems better.
On the other hand, I'm not sure a good cry really accomplishes anything. It's ridiculous to let yourself get so worked up over little things, when you could turn everything over to the Lord, and He would handle it just fine.
Do we not believe that He can handle it just fine? For me, I don't think that's the case - I know He can handle all my problems, I just worry that He won't choose to handle them in the way I want Him to handle them.
For me, it's more about wanting my own way. Do I not believe that the Lord knows what I need and will work it out in a way that will be for my own good? No, I know that as well. I know it with my rational head, but my irrational heart is sometimes full of disbelief and "what ifs".
What a girl really needs more than a good cry is to hand her problems over to her Jesus, and trust Him to work out the details.
I love this quote by J. I. Packer in his book Knowing God:
"Such trust is vital; it is in truth the mainspring of the life of faith, which without it becomes a life of at least partial unbelief."
The Bible is very clear that the man who trusts in the Lord is blessed (Psalm 40:4, 84:12). Does this mean blessed with the answers to all our problems? I don't think so - I think it means that man will be blessed with a peace and joy that surpasses understanding.
And that's worth more than the answers to all our problems, because through the process we grow. One would never learn the joy of trusting God if all the answers to his problems were given to him immediately.
Why is it that with each new problem I must re-learn to trust the Lord? It shouldn't be so hard. But I suspect that it will get easier with each subsequent trial. At least I hope so.
But maybe trusting isn't something you achieve permanently, maybe it's more of a continual process - and you grow more and more through each different situation by applying the same lesson that you've learned a hundred times before.
I think we must consciously choose to believe Him and choose to trust Him for all that we need before any real trustful feelings even appear. It's a choice to believe his Word, and believe that all things work out for the good of those the love Him (Romans 8:28).
Is He worthy of my trust? Yes. He's shown me that many times before, and He's always taken care of me. Maybe not in the exact way I wanted, but He's never let me down. I have no reason to believe He'll start now. He'll give me courage and strength to face each new situation in life with my heart resting in Him.
Am I most happy when He gives me an answer? No. I'm most happy when I've reached the place where I will trust Him regardless of what happens.
He knows my needs (Matthew 6:32). He cares for me (1 Peter 5:7).
I am His beloved child.
He proved that to me in a very practical way last night.
The Bible says that He grants sleep to those He loves (Psalm 127:2).
After my good cry last night I've had the best sleep that I've had all week.
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."
"Wait, you say, wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a "yes", a go-ahead sign,
Or even a "no" to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry,
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting . . . for what?"
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, But you wouldn't know Me.
"You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save . . . for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My Heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My Grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
"So be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
my most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait.'"
-Author Unknown
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."
"Wait, you say, wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a "yes", a go-ahead sign,
Or even a "no" to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry,
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting . . . for what?"
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, But you wouldn't know Me.
"You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save . . . for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My Heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My Grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
"So be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
my most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait.'"
-Author Unknown
Recently I started reading a book called Start Your Family: Inspiration For Having Babies by Steve and Candice Watters. It's basically a book that addresses the blessings of parenthood and our culture's increasingly negative attitude toward becoming a parent.
Chapter Five contained some startling statistics. I wouldn't consider myself ignorant of infertility at all - after all, I've been dealing with ovulatory infertility for the past ten months. But some of these stats were even surprising for me.
-For women, fertility begins to decline at age 27, the decline quickens after age 35, and by the time a woman is 40 her ability to get pregnant plummets. See Resource 2.
-At age 40, half of a women's eggs are chromosomally abnormal. By age 42, 90% of her eggs are chromosomally abnormal. See Resource 3.
-For men, fertility begins to decline after the age of 35. See Resource 2.
-Only about a third of couples who seek fertility treatment actually leave with a baby, and "that number can fluctuate dramatically depending on the reason a couple can't conceive naturally and the woman's age." See Resource 4.
-In-vitro fertilization treatments (the most technologically advanced method of conceiving, if all else fails) cost around $12,400, and women may need several rounds of IVF to concieve, if they conceive at all. "IVF simply may never work for some older women." See Resource 4.
Derek and I decided when we first got married that we'd like to wait two or three years to have children, just to give us time to get some debt paid off and get used to being married before adding a baby into the mix.
I think most couples today look at a variety of factors when considering when to have children. Those factors may include when they'll be in a good financial situation, when they'll be emotionally ready, where they want to be in their careers before they have children, and it sometimes includes a list of things that they would like to do or explore before having a baby.
But how many of us really consider fertility in our decision of when to have children?
No one really likes to talk about this for some reason, and those who do may be considered pessimistic. But the chances of conceiving decrease the older you get. You won't be infinitely fertile, and the hard fact is that you won't be able to have a baby whenever you want in life.
Why is it that we micro-analyze every other factor of when to have children, but we somehow overlook the most important and practical aspect of that decision - the question of "Will I still be fertile at the time when we want to have our first baby?"
I must admit that I am guilty of this myself. Before we were married, when Derek and I discussed our timeline of having children, the concept of how our fertility would decrease over time didn't even enter the equation. I can't believe I never thought of that before, as I think of it now.
Twenty-seven. Fertility starts to decrease for us women at the age of twenty-seven. I don't know where the rest of you young married ladies are, but that only gives me a few more years before it becomes even harder to have a baby. As if I weren't having enough trouble now.
Sure, there are alot of celebrities who have babies after age forty. But they are the exception, and we don't know how much time and money went into making that possible. Sure, there are many women who get pregnant without any help after 35, but the chances of that happening are far less than if they had started earlier (about 30% as opposed to 50%, Resource 2). And for many couples it just never happens, because they waited too long.
As for me, a woman in my early twenties who is already having struggles with her fertility, I urge you young married ladies out there who are in the midst of deciding when to have children to seriously consider your own fertility as an aspect of that decision. You may be one of those women who can conceive easily at a later age. But then again, you may not be. It's something every couple should have in their minds when making the decision of timing, and the goal of this post is just to get you all thinking about it.
I want each of you to experience every joy that life has to offer, and every blessing the Lord has to give you, but especially the gift of children. And I would hate to see anyone miss out on that blessing because no one brought the fertility factor to their attention when they were still young enough to do something about it.
I'd like to end this post with a quote from Start Your Family. I found this quote to be very encouraging, especially for those of us already struggling with fertility problems. We should be wise concerning our fertility and the timing of babies - but God is still (and always will be) in control, in spite of the struggles we face, even when they result from our own mistakes.
"As I wrote this chapter I thought my fertility window was closing - or more accurately, slamming shut - but then something happened.
Psalm 103 praises the God, "who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." "He Himself knows our frame," the psalmist instructs, "He is mindful that we are but dust . . . But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him." (5, 14, 17, NASB). We serve a wonder-working God. That's what my doctors - all three of them - concluded when, after three sets of blood tests that confirmed my childbearing years were over, I got pregnant. They all said the same thing: "It's a miracle."
And so as my belly swells, even as I finish the edits on this chapter, I'm reminded that it's our job to be faithful to learn the facts about our bodies and make the most of our fertility. But I also know that God is sovereign over all. It's up to us to do what we can. Then we can trust Him for the rest. We are not without hope."
-Candice Watters, Start Your Family, page 89. Emphasis mine.
Resources:
1. Watters, Steve and Candice; Starting Your Family: Inspiration For Having Babies. Moody Publishers, 2009. Buy the book here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802458300?ie=UTF8&tag=helgetmar-20&linkCode=xm2&creativeASIN=0802458300.
2. de Vries, Lloyd; "Fertility: Less Time Than You Think", CBSNews.com, April 30, 2002. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/04/30/health/main507580.shtml .
3. Gibbs, Nancy; "Making Time For A Baby". Time.com, April 15, 2002. http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1002217-2,00.html.
4. Stenson, Jacqueline; "Have Kids? Sure . . .Someday". MSNBC.com, June 6, 2007. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17937795/ns/health-pregnancy//.
5. Image from the American Society For Reproductive Medicine Ad Campaign. Image has been cropped for easier viewing on this page. See original ad here: http://www.protectyourfertility.org/pdfs/4up.pdf.
I'm surrounded by pregnant women.
I don't know if there were always this many pregnant women around and I just never noticed before, or if there are really more pregnant women around me now than in the past.
I personally know eleven women who either are or have been pregnant in the last few months. Plus the two or three women I seem to see every time I go grocery shopping. Plus many pregnant patients that have come into the office within the past few months as well. Not to mention many different celebrities that I keep hearing about.
I'm telling you, I'm surrounded. This does absolutely nothing for the baby fever that I'm already plagued with, except to make it much worse.
It doesn't really seem very fair to have so many pregnant women put in my path right around the time that I'm starting to naturally think more about babies anyway, even though I can't even have a baby right now. It's like torture, considering the fertility issues I'm already dealing with. Sometimes it's downright depressing.
Last week, after a particularly depressing morning, I was wondering if I would ever even be able to have a baby in the future, and as I told the Lord how I was feeling a peace just washed over my heart. No other words or pep talks have given me that same sense of assurance, and I know it was a gift from God - that peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:6-7).
Since then I've been thinking about the multitude of pregnancies and babies that have been bombarding me as of late, and I realized that the Lord wouldn't put all that in my life at this precise time for no reason. When the same thing keeps hitting me over and over again it's most likely because the Lord is trying to teach me something.
I think I figured it out. The other day as I was mulling this over, this verse came to mind:
"For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Philippians 4:11b-12
Paul had been through many different kinds of persecution and trials, worse than anything most of us will experience, but still he was able to say that he had learned the secret to being content, no matter what situation he was in. I just realized as I looked up this verse today that he never really said what the secret was. Maybe it's one of those things that you can't really teach per say, but each person just learns it or doesn't learn it on their own.
However, I think contentment is one of those things that the Lord very much wants us to learn. He wants us to learn to be content and trust in Him, no matter what is going on in our life. Sometimes I think our trials or heartaches, or even something silly like being surrounded by babies at a time when you can't have one, are sent to us by God so that we can learn to trust Him and be content whatever the circumstances.
When that verse came to mind the other day, I knew the purpose in this was that very thing. I am not able to have a baby the way things are now, and there's no saying when that will change. I want to have a baby someday, and there are easily a dozen women around me right now that have the very thing I want and know I can't have yet. But I think I've learned to be content with my life, and where the Lord has me right now, in spite of that.
Rarely does learning some spiritual virtue come easily for me. It usually takes months or years of trial and error, of succeeding and failing, before I can make a good thing an actual habit so that it is just natural to react or think in the correct way. But somehow learning to be content in this situation came suddenly, without any practice or striving for it.
Maybe that's just the nature of learning to be content with your situations. It's not something that sneaks up on you through small, everyday successes, and then one day you wake up to find that you've largely obtained that quality, as it seems to work with patience or kindness. Contentment seems to be obtained through great inward struggles that build until you reach a point where suddenly it strikes you that God always has a plan and a purpose. Once you realize that, and actually believe it and trust God that it's true, then contentment is just a natural reaction.
In order to be content, you must first accept that God knows what He's doing, and He works all things out for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), and then you must actively choose to trust Him - and once you've done that contentment is easy.
Sometimes I think it's easier to lean on the Lord and be content in the midst of the greater trials of life than it is to be content with small struggles or wishes that haven't come true. It seems easier to rely on His help for the big things, because you know He'll take care of you somehow, and you're already in a bad spot with no one to turn to but Him anyway.
But when you are hoping for just average, everyday things, like a baby or a better job, it's harder to trust Him, because the fact of the matter is He might not give you what you desire. He might say no. As Christians, we need to learn to accept that He might say no, but to also realize that even if we don't get what we're hoping for He still has a purpose that we may never understand, and He has good plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11). Then we are able to rest in contentment.
It's not easy to get to that place, because you have to learn to let go of what you want and instead accept whatever the Lord has for you! But once you're there, you wouldn't go back to clinging to your own way for anything, because His ways are always better.
For me, that means letting go of my anxiety about having a baby and accepting that whether I'm able to have biological children or not, the Lord has a great plan for me, and it's better than anything I have planned for myself.
I'm not saying that the next time I go through a tough time I won't have to remind myself of what it means to be content. I suspect that I'll have to re-learn to be content, to a certain extent, with every trial that befalls me. But I also suspect that it'll get easier and easier to learn with each subsequent struggle, and then maybe someday I'll be able to say with Paul that I've learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
"After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.
There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.
The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."
So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him."
Matthew 28:1-9
"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."
Romans 10:9
Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God . . ."
John 1:12
He is Risen!
He is Risen Indeed.
There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.
The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."
So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him."
Matthew 28:1-9
"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."
Romans 10:9
Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God . . ."
John 1:12
He is Risen!
He is Risen Indeed.
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