I Don't Sleep Like I Used To

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I push the hair out of my eyes and squint at the clock on my bedside table, barely registering a number starting with 4.  A little voice comes squealing through the baby monitor, and I bite back a sigh.

I flip the covers back and climb the stairs, the dog following close behind, thinking about how soundly I used to sleep back in the day.  I open the door and turn on the light and she gives me a squinty-eyed look and desperate little whimper.  I go pick her up and hand her a blanket, ready for screams when I tell her she's fine and she needs to go back to sleep.  

But before I can say anything she tucks her head into the place between my chin and my collar bone, eyes closed, sucking away on her tiny thumb.  I melt a little and forget what I was going to say.

All of a sudden I can't put her down, so we stand there and rock for a few minutes.  I think I could stay there forever, but I know I better get back to bed myself, so I lay her quiet form down and tuck her back in.

I collapse in my own bed and fall asleep again almost immediately, but a couple hours later I hear a familiar, thump, thump, thump, coming down the stairs, the signal that my rest is almost over.  I roll over and open my eyes, and two little brown ones stare back at me over the edge of the bed.  

I ask if he wants to climb in bed with me, and he nods his head - this is our routine.  I hoist him off the floor and deposit him into the spot next to me where he always sits after his daddy has gone for the day.  I settle him against the pillows and pull a blanket up to his chin, but he isn't satisfied because he "f'got blanket".  His favorite blanket isn't in sight.  I tell him I'll get it and climb the stairs again in the dim beginnings of morning light.

Once he has his blanket he settles down with his toy car, his balloon, and his thumb in his mouth.  This is our time together before the day begins.

As I close my eyes with my son curled up next to me, not all is quiet - another son of mine tosses and turns and kicks, trying to get comfortable inside my womb.  Only I know, his movements and habits our secret for now.  

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He settles down, and I settle down, and the house is quiet until the sun bursts through the window a little while later.  One little voice calls from upstairs again, one little voice jabbers about brushing teeth, and one little kick greets me with "good morning, Mama".

No, I don't sleep like I used to.  But I wouldn't change a thing.
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Leslie said...

Love this post!!! :)

Lauren said...

beautiful post! you have such a wonderful way of writing!

Caroline said...

so sweet!! Love this xoxo

Veronica and Daniel said...

:)

Amanda said...

So beautiful!

Jennie said...

So sweet!
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Melanie said...

Love this!! Great pics!

Susannah said...

Awww... This made me tear up!! So, so sweet!

Julie S. said...

This makes me so teary! WE have been struggling with K's transition to the big bed, and currently she will wander in our room at any time of night and sleep on the floor. Someday, I know she won't so for now? I am ok with it. And I love the extra snuggles in the morning.

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